self.

How unfortunate to suffer

Such adverse consequences

For being

Ourselves

Driven blindly toward orthodox

We are lead to believe

Safety fleets if we don't live life

Hand-held

This ground of self-definition

Too unsturdy, unstable,

Unprotected

Indirectly told we are unable

To do this without institutional covering

Denominational buffering

We couldn't be connected or

In tune with the creator like how they do

We've now erected from the trials of Eden

In the garden

We are Adam having taken the suggestion

Of Eve and the fallen fruit from tree

Simultaneously

Prey and predator

Lustful perversion nothing more

Than hedonist desire running rampant through

Our bodies and transfiguring into

Justified lifestyle

You can use anything to validate, daddy say

The devil is a liar

He prays I do not burn in brimstone

Caught in cross hell fire

I am not afraid of what they assume

Attempting to evoke uncertainty in unfamiliar

They try to cast down, call upon doom

Disguised as love but have never tried to

Understand

Never considered an embrace

Never thought for once that maybe I'm right

To trust myself, seeing the creator for the first time as I learn

My own face

Didn't ever occur to them I just might be in the right

Place , honest and true

They'd rather reprimand and criticize what I do

How wrong of me to think independent

How dare I not follow suit

They've never known the clarity of a silent bedroom

And natural light, bright shines

The mind and heart of

A fearless young woman in

Full bloom

Claiming own sight

Taking own steps

Facing own fight

Confidence becomes effortless

And

It comes from passing life's tests

Gratitude when things aint so easy

Seeing all, good and bad, a manifestation

Of God, expressed

Taking it all in

Giving it all back

She is steadfast

She is full and does not lack

How unfortunate to suffer

Such adverse consequences

For being

Ourselves

Driven blindly toward orthodox

We are lead to believe

Safety fleets if we don't live life

Hand-held

In blame

Hand held

In worry

Hand held

In shame

Hand held

The comparison

Let go of that....and grasp firmly to self.

-Candice Iloh

-self is featured in And Become.

subtract.

there will always come a point in life

when everyone will leave you

they will

get on the green line and ride

back to their side of town leaving behind

them uprooted flowers and pulsating heart valves

irreversibly opened

they will

climb into their cotton sheets atop worn mattress

of tossing and turmoil

and slumber themselves into the other side of consciousness

leaving behind them

tumor, once removed, and four embryo

they will

get in their forest green Mazda protégé and drive

cross country leaving behind memories of perfect breasts on Miami beach,

unwanted furniture and nights drowned in

red stripe and house music

they will

get on the first flight one way

or just hop in their crowded U-Haul truck and drop everything

for some distant state leaving behind

fully opened mind with partially learned lessons finished off by

what could have been and what almost was

and you will have to accept it

you will

have to look at them and say goodbye

with a forced smile and supportive words

while your insides contain surge and coddle overwhelmed

tear duct

we don't know why life gives to us and then takes away

shows us bliss, then exchanges with pain

it seems we are not in control of love or loss and that

we are just pawns and manipulatives to toss

like plastic tangrams and color cube counters

add or subtract

learn to plus or minus the

people in our lives after we've found our fit

because that's the way things are

hard and cold and instant and fact

they say 90' of life is how we react

while we watch process challenge us with the 10'

and it

makes me wanna

press down on gas pedal and

grab hold of steering wheel

and go to some destination where

disappearing acts are reconsidered

with regard for how I might feel

a place where I don't have the urge

to ask god why I'm never properly prepared for the dread

of these impromptu travel plans

and why they weren't leaves of absence

instead

moving on and growing off to own paths is a trip

taken in separate modes of transportation

having to navigate the callus

and your heart arrives much later than your head

pulls into station or lands, then screeches along runway

almost out of fuel, running on last drops of grace

just following signal and intellect

not ready to be there yet

but not given much choice

and still

we will all go our separate ways

unable to feel our way through another's voice

and

yes,

they will all leave

and you will have to accept it

look at them and say goodbye

with a forced smile and supportive words

and they will look back and have the same

in return

and we all have to learn...

to add and subtract

accepting both the sum and

and differences

in every answer

-Candice Iloh

-subtract is featured in And Become.

body art.

If you'd allow me

to touch you...

Promise you would accept this as a

sacred moment in time

Just lay there and sense my eyes

feel like a woman again...

Wanna come closer

See

how your body

curves and bends

Let it move

Make amends with

my hands and your skin

Observe then

brush against

stroke til too damp to watch it dry

Creation unfinished

til you break down and you cry

weep at the beauty of our bodies'

masterpiece

don't think i've ever seen anything

like us

Never seen tempura dance on such

a spine

study silhouette

while your glow inspires

moonlight

I feel honored how you let your hues

become canvas

and this is a private workshop

there are no mistakes here

don't wanna ask me to stop but

go ahead and ask queries

cause fear is inhibition...

...but art...is free..

Like the weekend..

Saturday personified

Moments when we breathe

She is sunshine

Spring and wine

Breeze on the

Small of my back

Make me wonder

How she knew I'd like that

Make me wanna give it

Right back

Reciprocity, balanced picture

Symmetry

Off days, pressure free

Forever returning favors for

Things she does without request.

The pull between beings that show gratitude

As they meet and become each other's best

Thankful for how

My fingers hug her form

Two of us touch sky yet

Feet are planted on the floor

We want more

Of each other

Work of heart

To-the-core lovers

Colors pure, drip

and don't seep through

complimentary

no need to complete you

and so we promise

to accept this as a

sacred moment in time and

just lay there and sense my eyes

amuse me effortless

still release intentional light

Amazing how seeing you

sharpens my sight

me marveling at you

lines, shapes, and the

patterns of our journey

from concept to gallery

we are idea turned inspired act

drawn from a simple sketch at the start

when time, vision, and craft attract

we are allure, body and art.

-Candice Iloh

-body art is featured in And Become.

therapy: part two.

To the pediatrician who decided to play gynecologist:

11 years old is too early for a pelvic exam

Please.

Do not mistake these words for

Mere wordplay, this here aint a game

It is my life.

Like a patient spread across leather

Love seat, spewing inner torment

Ink exposes without judgment

When I write. But I been there

Sitting in chair or stale bench with palms

Pouring soul through psychological hand print

Telling what I can vent to stranger.

This stranger of uncommon calm

Of intrusive intrigue

Of piercing eyes, they peer at me

Through lenses that analyze my every

Flinch. Every cautious confession. Every tear and how weird it is how I smile at session ends

Beyond the pain.

Here again. A result of premature perception

Of internal healing

Realize

You can't do it all by yourself.

And don't think you can move forward til you

Put in some work and deal with things, like

A woman, doctor say.

A woman - does she cry this way, like child

Whose lost parent, in panic I crumble in

Doctor office. I am not okay with what

Fear says I can not do. Stronghold on courage

Can't go through with this. General anxiety syndrome the therapist is callin it. How do

I tell them that the exams I need

Are what paralyze me?

And posttraumatic stress disorder

Since age 11 scars of medical violation still haunt

My being

Suddenly dampened skin sticking

And pressed uneasy atop exam room bed

Unclothed under paper thin gown

Can't conceal my growing dread of

Physicians foots steps nearing door

While I wait. Alone.

I attempt to coax thoughts that run wild

into some type of tranquil

zone. But my logic knows better. And knows what is soon to come

Continue to fumble nervously, I keep fidgeting with

Fingers twisted like my insides

Lose a bit of my mind at the sight of stirrups

once Again knees involuntarily move into seizure

Mode upon instruction to lay horizontal in position

Puddles form on each side of head soaking

Bed and blurring my vision, they blind signs of an end

Please, doctor.

Put away your latex mitten

This hospital room is only cold...for me.

So I'm back spread across leather love seat,

Spewing inner torment

Until I am ready.

-Candice Iloh

-therapy: part 2 is featured in And Become.

2 Pens & Lint Interview with Candice D. Iloh